Scrum Norris

Yesterday evening there was a thread of scrumnorris going over twitter. Since these messages were in German, let me translate them.

  • Chuck Norris is ScrumMaster and ProductOwner – simultaneously.
  • Chuck Norris can do 6-month sprints.
  • Chuck Norris wears Timeboxershorts.
  • Chuck Norris does not move story cards, he moves the taskboard.
  • Chuck Norris does not estimate, he knows.
  • Chuck Norris pairs alone.
  • Chuck Norris starts project with a Roundhouse-Kickoff.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to appear late at the stand-up.
  • Chuck Norris sits on the stand-up meeting.
  • Chuck Norris has implemented everything at the planning meeting.
  • Chuck Norris does not estimate user stories, user stories estimate him. (This doesn’t translate well.)
  • Chuck Norris writes the code first, then the test.
  • Chuck Norris is not afraid of bugs, bugs are afraid of him.
  • Chuck Norris does not do Kanban. He does not know limits.
  • Chuck Norris does not pull, he pushes.
  • When Chuck Norris says “done”, then it’s “done”.
  • Chuck Norris does not deploy, he develops on the production environment.
  • Just Chuck Norris knows, that a real burn-down requires napalm.
  • Chuck Norris has no burn-down chart. Around him everything is already burnt down.
  • Chuck Norris answers just two questions on the stand-up meeting. Chuck Norris does not know obstacles.
  • Chuck Norris does not prioritize the backlog.
  • Chuck Norris takes two baby-steps at once.
  • Chuck Norris does not use test-driven development. Chuck Norris always drives.
  • Chuck Norris is the prioritized backlog.

Any additions?

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52 thoughts on “Scrum Norris”

  1. Additions since I put my blog up thus far:

    • Chuck Norris is ScrumMaster without being certified.
    • Chuck Norris does not need acceptance tests. Either Chuck Norris accepts or not.
    • Chuck Norris does not need Iteration Reviews or Reflection Workshops. There is no improvement for Chuck Norris’ process.
  2. Change: Chuck Norris writes the code first, then the test.
    TO: Chuck Norris writes the code first, never the test(He doesn’t need to test at all).

  3. From the French blog who sent the pingback from comment 9:

    • Chuck Norris does not plan to release. Chuck Norris knows what to do.
    • Chuck Norris has a velocity of 50 000 points.
    • Chuck Norris ends the Product Backlog in each iteration.
  4. Chuck Norris sidekicks chickens while eating fresh bacon at the stand-up
    Chuck Norris developed his own crib in one iteration, right after birth
    When Chuck Norris walks by, tests don’t run, they die in fear

    • Chuck Norris’ velocity is infinite, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
    • Chuck doesnt meet customer requirements, they meet his!
  5. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a coding phase. Nothing phases him.
    Chuck Norris does work –life balance upside down on one finger.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t refactor because he built it right the first time.
    Sustainable pace for Chuck Norris is 41 hours per day every day.
    Chuck Norris values people over process and himself over people.
    Chuck Norris’ design docs have entire religions formed around them.

    1. The only thing Chuck Norris needs to demo to the customers is a flying elbow to the bridge of their nose.

    2. For Chuck Norris, the simplest thing to make a test pass is always a roundhouse kick.
      Chuck Norris can do waterfall and agile at the same time as also resucing hostages from a terrorist camp.

      (ok, I’m done)

    3. We verified on supercomputer specially built for that (Deep Thought), and actually:
      “Sustainable pace for Chuck Norris is _42_ hours per day every day.”

  6. “Chuck Norris doesn’t do documentation. He stares down the code until it tells him everything he wants to know.” =)

  7. Chuck Norris doesn’t support his team. He is the team.
    There is only one ways to build a software, the way Chuck Norris does it.
    With Chuck Norris in a team, people think faster.

  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t refactor the code.. His code becames a refactor pattern..
    Chuck Norris does performance tests without additional tools. And they always finish as DOS attack..

  9. Originally phrase “Wake up, Neo. The Matrix has you. ” was “Wake up, Matrix. Chuck Norris has you”

  10. Hi Markus,

    It was bound to happen, someone thinking of Chuck Norris as a ScrumMaster.

    Here’s one for you:

    Chuck Norris is always right (and not the client)! (That’s a revenge for a every project manager out there).

  11. Guess you could do the same with Jack Bauer:
    Jack Bauer sprint is 24 hours long.
    Jack Bauer tasks do not last longer than 45 minutes.

  12. Chuck Norris is God of Scrum method and therefore he has all tests finished for seven days.
    And Seventh day he said: ” it’s done. Let there be release! ”
    And it was released. :-)

  13. If the code is not behaving Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks it until it comes into line

  14. Chuck Norris IS the definition of done
    Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick has 100% coverage
    In the original version of the Agile Manifesto, Chuck Norris specified that he values roundhouse kicks over everything else.

  15. Chuck Norris allows teams to self-organize, his way.
    Chuck Norris’ velocity is always 1 greater than that of any team.
    A face to face encounter with Chuck Norris happens exactly once.

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